Hooray, Mother's Day!

Oh hey Mother's Day, this holiday actually applies to me now, and not just in the sympathy "fur mom" category (no offense fellow fur mamas)! It's rather exciting I must admit, as I'm sure is the case for many firsts, to be able to fully celebrate this day. Check me out, I'm a mom now! All the advertising nonsense applies to me!


Now seeing as I'm writing this at 11:45 on the 11th it's not technically Mother's Day yet and as such I cannot report on how the actual day will go but I can report on how I've been feeling leading up to this most memorable moment.


Strap in guys, we're about to go on an emotional roller coaster...


So, as stated previously, me and the boyfriend/father of Sir Sean (as an aside, yay for royal baby but really...Archie?!) live in different states. So I've been, quite literally, a single parent since munchkin was born. Now hopefully that will change but until then, there's obviously been some resentment. He doesn't have to deal with him being up for 2+ hours at night when he's crying and I'm tired and just wanna go back to sleep. He's not dealing with spit-ups, blowouts, getting peed on (a common occurrence for any mother of boys, you learn to change diapers real fast even when half asleep), and all that other nonsense. So yeah, you can see where the resentment comes, as I enter my 5th or maybe 6th day of not getting enough sleep. So with Mother's Day approaching I made the decision to not mention it at all whenever I talked to him and see what happened. So yesterday evening, a time I deemed safe to mention since even Amazon needs 2 days to ship things, I asked if I should be expecting anything from him.


His response?

"Between Wednesday and Friday. Had no idea until today that it was THIS Sunday. I thought it was the third Sunday of May."


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!


No, it's not like this is my FIRST Mother's Day. Not like I grew life inside me for nine months, labored, and delivered my son who I was not planning on having at this point in my life (not that I don't love him but, ya know). Not like this isn't a HUGE moment for me. AND YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO DOUBLE CHECK THE CALENDAR AND SEE WHEN EXACTLY MOTHER'S DAY IS?! Needless to say I'm pissed, and I told him as much. And yes, for those wondering, he does have the link to this blog but this is my place to rant so f it.


I'm already feeling distant because of aforementioned reasons and this isn't helping! I've seriously contemplated saying "screw this I'll do it on my own" because, hey, I AM doing it on my own and so far things aren't too bad so I'm sure I could manage a bit longer until I find someone who can actually help.


So, that was the first loop on this roller coaster, let's get ready for the next one.


I want to preface this by saying that I love my little man. Heck, earlier tonight he was sleeping in my arms as I sat on the couch with Mom and I nearly cried cause he's just so adorable and I didn't know I could love anyone as much as I love him. But when it's 3 am and he's crying even after he's been fed and changed and I'm rocking him trying to get him to fall back asleep those thoughts of "what did I get myself into?" and "I don't know if I'm really ready for this" pop up which makes that innate sense of guilt feel even worse. How can I think these things about my baby? I love my baby, don't I? Does every mother have these thoughts or am I the weird one who only loves her baby when he's quiet? Okay so that last one I know other moms have felt the same way but the guilt is still there. How can I get frustrated with a baby when crying is the only way he knows to communicate right now? It's not his fault he spits up his formula, that's just biology! But I'd be lying if I said these logical thoughts come to me in those early morning hours. Maybe later in the day when I've somehow managed to get 6 hours of sleep, but not then.


I know this is a problem all moms face, especially new moms. I also think these feelings may be a sign of postpartum depression, which is definitely something to bring up to my doc when I see her Tuesday. Fun fact, when I was in high school I suffered from depression. Thankfully I didn't need medication since therapy helped me, but ever since I've always worried that it may come back. Add to that that having a history of depression makes it more likely you'll suffer from PPD (at least according to what I've read) and you can see where the whirlwind of emotions comes from. Here's hoping my doctor can provide some guidance and resources that will help me cope and feel like a better mom. Tuesday can't come soon enough!


I hate to end this on a negative note so I'll throw in some good news before wrapping this up.


Through all the loops and corkscrews that has been my emotional state right now my Mom (who also reads this, hai Mom!) has been my rock. You know what they say, you never appreciate what your parents did for you until you become a parent yourself, and that is so true on so many levels. This Mother's Day it's not just my first but it's also the perfect time to remind my Mom just how much everything she's done means to me. From listening to me rant and not judging me for what I'm thinking and feeling, to holding the baby so I can eat (or shower, or whatever) in peace, to telling me when I feel horrible that I'm doing a great job as a mom and that she's so proud of me (and trust me, my mom doesn't say that just to be nice, if I wasn't doing a good job she'll tell me!) it all means so much and I'm glad to still live with her and I'm so grateful to have a mom like her.


So remember to always thank your Mama! Not just on Mother's Day but every day, cause she dealt with your crying, pooping, spitting self and loved you through all of it!


If that isn't true love I don't know what is.