Google after dark
We've all been there, you're laying in bed and can't fall asleep so naturally weird shit starts floating into your conscious and you do what every other sleep-deprived human being does in the wee hours of the morning.
You go to Google.
No one knows why this phenomenon happens, maybe it's restoring balance to the universe. Maybe it's Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or whoever actually runs Google mind controlling us. Either way, any searches that happen after 10 pm should not count (and be deleted immediately upon death).
Why do I bring up the almighty Google you may ask? Well, last night in my slightly hormone induced insomnia (ok not really insomnia, it was 11) I started googling "Why do women feel guilty while pregnant?" No, I know what you're thinking my birth control (and lack of any male contact) has prevented any shenanigans. But remember my previous blog post where I said I felt robbed of enjoying my pregnancy? Yep.
So what did I find on the front page of the internet? Well for one, a lot of women feel guilty because a lot of women know someone with fertility issues. So cool, I'm not alone in that experience, but what about now? I will admit, I try to walk a fine line between being that obnoxious mom who talks about her kid constantly and maintaining my own identity outside of being a mom. And I'm not gonna lie, part of my wants to be that obnoxious mom. Maybe it's my brain trying to compensate for not being able to, at least in my mind, really talk about my pregnancy and be excited. Once I found out I know I was excited, I've wanted to be a mom for a long time, but seeing as it was not planned I thought I didn't deserve to be excited because I was irresponsible and now, hey, here's an unplanned pregnancy for you. Now I know (again, thank you google) that almost half of all pregnancies in the US are not planned so this is obviously not something unique to me, and I was in a committed relationship when I got pregnant so it's not like I just hooked up with someone and got pregnant but that oh-so-lovely Catholic guilt always pops up and ruins a perfectly good time.
So what's a mom to do? Well I can tell you what I do and don't want to do...
I don't want to be that obnoxious mom who only talks about her kid.
I don't want to feel guilty about completely loving my son, but maybe not always his actions (seriously, do you know how hard it is to dress a baby that always wants to roll over?!)
I do want to still have hobbies that are my own that I can geek out over.
I do want to share the excitement of each milestone Sean hits with my family and friends.
Finally, I do want to get really into big things happening in his life (like his first birthday) and make them absolutely 110% amazeballs
Part of my motherhood journey has been dealing with guilt and all the feelings and emotions that surround it. Motherhood has also taught me that sometimes, you have to be like Elsa and let it go. The people who are genuinely interested will stick around, will like the posts, will text or call or carrier pigeon me to see what's going on and how things are going with us. So for those that do really like my posts (and insane ramblings but, ya know, comedy is comedy right?) and want to know what's going on even when we can't physically see each other, the posts will keep coming (maybe even more now!)
And I will not feel guilty.
You go to Google.
No one knows why this phenomenon happens, maybe it's restoring balance to the universe. Maybe it's Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or whoever actually runs Google mind controlling us. Either way, any searches that happen after 10 pm should not count (and be deleted immediately upon death).
Why do I bring up the almighty Google you may ask? Well, last night in my slightly hormone induced insomnia (ok not really insomnia, it was 11) I started googling "Why do women feel guilty while pregnant?" No, I know what you're thinking my birth control (and lack of any male contact) has prevented any shenanigans. But remember my previous blog post where I said I felt robbed of enjoying my pregnancy? Yep.
So what did I find on the front page of the internet? Well for one, a lot of women feel guilty because a lot of women know someone with fertility issues. So cool, I'm not alone in that experience, but what about now? I will admit, I try to walk a fine line between being that obnoxious mom who talks about her kid constantly and maintaining my own identity outside of being a mom. And I'm not gonna lie, part of my wants to be that obnoxious mom. Maybe it's my brain trying to compensate for not being able to, at least in my mind, really talk about my pregnancy and be excited. Once I found out I know I was excited, I've wanted to be a mom for a long time, but seeing as it was not planned I thought I didn't deserve to be excited because I was irresponsible and now, hey, here's an unplanned pregnancy for you. Now I know (again, thank you google) that almost half of all pregnancies in the US are not planned so this is obviously not something unique to me, and I was in a committed relationship when I got pregnant so it's not like I just hooked up with someone and got pregnant but that oh-so-lovely Catholic guilt always pops up and ruins a perfectly good time.
So what's a mom to do? Well I can tell you what I do and don't want to do...
I don't want to be that obnoxious mom who only talks about her kid.
I don't want to feel guilty about completely loving my son, but maybe not always his actions (seriously, do you know how hard it is to dress a baby that always wants to roll over?!)
I do want to still have hobbies that are my own that I can geek out over.
I do want to share the excitement of each milestone Sean hits with my family and friends.
Finally, I do want to get really into big things happening in his life (like his first birthday) and make them absolutely 110% amazeballs
Part of my motherhood journey has been dealing with guilt and all the feelings and emotions that surround it. Motherhood has also taught me that sometimes, you have to be like Elsa and let it go. The people who are genuinely interested will stick around, will like the posts, will text or call or carrier pigeon me to see what's going on and how things are going with us. So for those that do really like my posts (and insane ramblings but, ya know, comedy is comedy right?) and want to know what's going on even when we can't physically see each other, the posts will keep coming (maybe even more now!)
And I will not feel guilty.
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