"I just wanted a shower" and other previously easy tasks made complicated
Oh motherhood, some days I feel like I actually kinda know what I'm doing and other days I'm just trying to make it to nap time without breaking out the wine. Today was kinda a mix of the two. Munchkin did have a really good 3ish hour nap this afternoon so I was able to get some laundry and cleaning done (cause nesting is still a thing that happens postpartum, at least for me) and he was even content to sit in his little chair while I finished one mini-project.
Then this evening everything kinda went downhill. Now he normally has a fussy time (aka the witching hour) anywhere between 6-9 pm where he doesn't wanna sit anywhere he wants to be held and rocked (or walked). Of course at this point in the day mommy's back is sore, her arms hurt from holding him for feedings and such, and all I want is to be able to put him down somewhere and sit with him. Side note, finally broke down and ordered a carrier yesterday. I planned on getting one anyway but I'm convinced this kid is almost 10 lbs now and carrying him around, while great for my arms, definitely hurts after a while. It says it should be here around the 4th so I just have to hold out til then.
Anyway, finally he starts to settle down, he gets a bath and some grandma cuddles and we lay him down in his bassinet to sleep. Thinking it's finally safe I hop in the shower since I haven't had one in 3, or was it 4?, days.
Now if you've read the title you probably have an idea of where this is going.
Fun fact, I am super paranoid about showering at night when my parents have gone to sleep. I'm always worried that he'll wake up and start crying or God knows what else and since I can't hear him over the shower (and through a closed door) I tend to take those showers rather quickly. Well because of aforementioned greasiness, and the fact that my mom doesn't have work tomorrow cause of Memorial Day, I don't do my typical turbo-wash. I actually shave! So getting out of the shower I can obviously hear a little better (since our bedroom door is mostly open) and I listen to make sure I don't hear anything and lo and behold what do I hear?
Him crying...
You never seen someone dry off so quickly and rush into our room to make sure he's ok and thankfully he is, he's just fussing (probably getting hungry tbh) so I'm able to finish drying off and even manage to put some lotion on before settling down to feed him, but all I'm thinking while I'm half naked trying to calm this little guy down is "well, there goes any possibility of me showering after 8 pm ever again. I just wanted to shower in peace, is that so much to ask?".
And here, ladies and gents, is where my mind beings to do a tailspin.
I don't know if it's leftover guilt from not knowing I was pregnant with him for 5ish months or what but I always feel like I don't do enough for him. I don't talk to him enough, I don't hold him enough (even though my arms would definitely disagree), I don't love him enough. All these thoughts go through my head on a daily basis. Any time I think about what I used to be able to do (see aforementioned post 8 pm showers) that feeling that I must not love him enough otherwise I wouldn't have these thoughts rears its ugly head which combined with that lovely innate sense of guilt makes me feel like a horrible mom.
Now I know what you're thinking; obviously that's not true, every new mom has these thoughts, you can't hold him constantly your arm would literally fall off, sometimes it's ok to just sit with him and not talk, he knows you're there. Logically I know these things, but there's a disconnect somewhere. I have my first therapy appointment this week and I'm hoping being able to sit down with someone outside of my circle will help me finally sort out these feelings. I'll be sure to report back and let you know how it goes.
As always, let's end on a positive note.
Remember I said I'm convinced this dude is nearing 10 lbs? Well that's because we just upped his formula intake from 4 to 5 oz since he was crying for food every 1.5 to 2 hours and oh boy what a difference it's made! First night he took 5 oz he went 7 hours from one feeding to the next! The past couple nights he's only woken up once at night to feed and once he's done he falls back asleep pretty quickly so both he and I are getting some much deserved sleep. I read somewhere that around 3 months they're able to essentially sleep through the night since they're usually taking about 6 oz per feeding so I'm glad to see we're slowly getting closer and closer, and I know we both welcome a good night's rest.
With that being said, I think it's time momma gets some well deserved rest.
Then this evening everything kinda went downhill. Now he normally has a fussy time (aka the witching hour) anywhere between 6-9 pm where he doesn't wanna sit anywhere he wants to be held and rocked (or walked). Of course at this point in the day mommy's back is sore, her arms hurt from holding him for feedings and such, and all I want is to be able to put him down somewhere and sit with him. Side note, finally broke down and ordered a carrier yesterday. I planned on getting one anyway but I'm convinced this kid is almost 10 lbs now and carrying him around, while great for my arms, definitely hurts after a while. It says it should be here around the 4th so I just have to hold out til then.
Anyway, finally he starts to settle down, he gets a bath and some grandma cuddles and we lay him down in his bassinet to sleep. Thinking it's finally safe I hop in the shower since I haven't had one in 3, or was it 4?, days.
Now if you've read the title you probably have an idea of where this is going.
Fun fact, I am super paranoid about showering at night when my parents have gone to sleep. I'm always worried that he'll wake up and start crying or God knows what else and since I can't hear him over the shower (and through a closed door) I tend to take those showers rather quickly. Well because of aforementioned greasiness, and the fact that my mom doesn't have work tomorrow cause of Memorial Day, I don't do my typical turbo-wash. I actually shave! So getting out of the shower I can obviously hear a little better (since our bedroom door is mostly open) and I listen to make sure I don't hear anything and lo and behold what do I hear?
Him crying...
You never seen someone dry off so quickly and rush into our room to make sure he's ok and thankfully he is, he's just fussing (probably getting hungry tbh) so I'm able to finish drying off and even manage to put some lotion on before settling down to feed him, but all I'm thinking while I'm half naked trying to calm this little guy down is "well, there goes any possibility of me showering after 8 pm ever again. I just wanted to shower in peace, is that so much to ask?".
And here, ladies and gents, is where my mind beings to do a tailspin.
I don't know if it's leftover guilt from not knowing I was pregnant with him for 5ish months or what but I always feel like I don't do enough for him. I don't talk to him enough, I don't hold him enough (even though my arms would definitely disagree), I don't love him enough. All these thoughts go through my head on a daily basis. Any time I think about what I used to be able to do (see aforementioned post 8 pm showers) that feeling that I must not love him enough otherwise I wouldn't have these thoughts rears its ugly head which combined with that lovely innate sense of guilt makes me feel like a horrible mom.
Now I know what you're thinking; obviously that's not true, every new mom has these thoughts, you can't hold him constantly your arm would literally fall off, sometimes it's ok to just sit with him and not talk, he knows you're there. Logically I know these things, but there's a disconnect somewhere. I have my first therapy appointment this week and I'm hoping being able to sit down with someone outside of my circle will help me finally sort out these feelings. I'll be sure to report back and let you know how it goes.
As always, let's end on a positive note.
Remember I said I'm convinced this dude is nearing 10 lbs? Well that's because we just upped his formula intake from 4 to 5 oz since he was crying for food every 1.5 to 2 hours and oh boy what a difference it's made! First night he took 5 oz he went 7 hours from one feeding to the next! The past couple nights he's only woken up once at night to feed and once he's done he falls back asleep pretty quickly so both he and I are getting some much deserved sleep. I read somewhere that around 3 months they're able to essentially sleep through the night since they're usually taking about 6 oz per feeding so I'm glad to see we're slowly getting closer and closer, and I know we both welcome a good night's rest.
With that being said, I think it's time momma gets some well deserved rest.
Comments
Post a Comment