Brain Dump
Oh mood swings and hormones, how I did NOT miss you for 9 months! Well, better out than in right?
First up, this week was Sean's first week at daycare. While the first day was bad, like sobbing in the parking lot, on the way home, and even more at home bad, the rest of the week has gone better. His teachers are so sweet and already he seems to like them which makes me happy. The daycare also has an app where they update with everything he does in a day (including feedings and diaper changes) which also includes a picture which has become my new favorite thing to get each day! Yay for technology!
I'd be lying though if I said I don't still get upset, especially on the nights I have to close. I hate those days because I drop him off at daycare between 8-9 am so I don't have him in the morning and by the time I get home from work he's already asleep so I essentially miss out on a whole day of cuddles. At least when I open I get some cuddles in before he goes to bed and even after he's fallen asleep I can still rock with him. Now I know you might say, "Well, can't you just drop him off later in the day so you get some cuddles?" and while yeah I could technically do that I don't want his schedule to be all over the place, so since I'd be dropping him off at about 9am on the mornings I work I want to keep that consistency for him, which unfortunately means less mommy cuddles which means mommy feels sad.
Even now, he's sleeping in his crib and I miss him so much. I wish I could pick him up and hold him and kiss him and rock with him but I know that's not in his best interest (since it would probably wake him up) so, like all good mother's I'd imagine, what best for him outweighs my desires. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck but I know that at least he's getting what he needs (in this case a good night's sleep). At least tomorrow is Saturday and I don't have to work until 1:30 so I get all the morning cuddles I want!
I've also recently been thinking about the absence of his father from his life. For those that don't know, which is a few of you honestly so don't feel bad, I ended my relationship with munchkin's father several weeks ago due to a number of different factors. Obviously a big one being his desire for me to move out there (into a still unfinished trailer mind you) away from my support network which I was absolutely not comfortable doing. The other big factor has been the lack of any support since he was born. Since he's been here (which, side note, is 3 months already omg!) he's sent two boxes of diapers (granted they were big boxes) and maybe 10 onesies. That's it. No formula, no money to help pay for daycare, nada. The other (slightly lesser) factor was that I got nothing, not even a card, for Mother's Day (see my Mother's Day post for more on that), my birthday, or his birth. Which I know sounds kinda petty but considering the circumstances behind my pregnancy you'd think that he'd at least send a card or some flowers right? I guess it's more the principle of the thing than any actual thing.
Most days it doesn't bother me, father's day was a little rough for obvious reasons, but we took all that energy and made my dad's first father's day as a grandpa that much better! Some days though I do get angry. How can someone who *said* they wanted a family just drop off the face of the earth and not care enough to send anything to help the life he created? I know, deadbeat dads are a thing, I just never thought I'd have to deal with one. At least I take comfort in knowing if he were to come anywhere near the tri-state area there'd be at least 10 people ready to beat him to a pulp (and also probably a hit man but let's not go there ok).
My hope is that things will continue to smooth out as I get more used to him being at daycare. I also try to remind myself when I feel this way to appreciate the time I get with him even more which I'm hoping he feels too. I try to tell him all the time how much mommy loves him and wants what's best for him and that nothing could ever make me love him less, if anything my love for him has only continued to grow as he grows. They say love doesn't need words, and I hope that's true and that he can feel it every time I think of him or hold him in my arms <3
First up, this week was Sean's first week at daycare. While the first day was bad, like sobbing in the parking lot, on the way home, and even more at home bad, the rest of the week has gone better. His teachers are so sweet and already he seems to like them which makes me happy. The daycare also has an app where they update with everything he does in a day (including feedings and diaper changes) which also includes a picture which has become my new favorite thing to get each day! Yay for technology!
I'd be lying though if I said I don't still get upset, especially on the nights I have to close. I hate those days because I drop him off at daycare between 8-9 am so I don't have him in the morning and by the time I get home from work he's already asleep so I essentially miss out on a whole day of cuddles. At least when I open I get some cuddles in before he goes to bed and even after he's fallen asleep I can still rock with him. Now I know you might say, "Well, can't you just drop him off later in the day so you get some cuddles?" and while yeah I could technically do that I don't want his schedule to be all over the place, so since I'd be dropping him off at about 9am on the mornings I work I want to keep that consistency for him, which unfortunately means less mommy cuddles which means mommy feels sad.
Even now, he's sleeping in his crib and I miss him so much. I wish I could pick him up and hold him and kiss him and rock with him but I know that's not in his best interest (since it would probably wake him up) so, like all good mother's I'd imagine, what best for him outweighs my desires. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck but I know that at least he's getting what he needs (in this case a good night's sleep). At least tomorrow is Saturday and I don't have to work until 1:30 so I get all the morning cuddles I want!
I've also recently been thinking about the absence of his father from his life. For those that don't know, which is a few of you honestly so don't feel bad, I ended my relationship with munchkin's father several weeks ago due to a number of different factors. Obviously a big one being his desire for me to move out there (into a still unfinished trailer mind you) away from my support network which I was absolutely not comfortable doing. The other big factor has been the lack of any support since he was born. Since he's been here (which, side note, is 3 months already omg!) he's sent two boxes of diapers (granted they were big boxes) and maybe 10 onesies. That's it. No formula, no money to help pay for daycare, nada. The other (slightly lesser) factor was that I got nothing, not even a card, for Mother's Day (see my Mother's Day post for more on that), my birthday, or his birth. Which I know sounds kinda petty but considering the circumstances behind my pregnancy you'd think that he'd at least send a card or some flowers right? I guess it's more the principle of the thing than any actual thing.
Most days it doesn't bother me, father's day was a little rough for obvious reasons, but we took all that energy and made my dad's first father's day as a grandpa that much better! Some days though I do get angry. How can someone who *said* they wanted a family just drop off the face of the earth and not care enough to send anything to help the life he created? I know, deadbeat dads are a thing, I just never thought I'd have to deal with one. At least I take comfort in knowing if he were to come anywhere near the tri-state area there'd be at least 10 people ready to beat him to a pulp (and also probably a hit man but let's not go there ok).
My hope is that things will continue to smooth out as I get more used to him being at daycare. I also try to remind myself when I feel this way to appreciate the time I get with him even more which I'm hoping he feels too. I try to tell him all the time how much mommy loves him and wants what's best for him and that nothing could ever make me love him less, if anything my love for him has only continued to grow as he grows. They say love doesn't need words, and I hope that's true and that he can feel it every time I think of him or hold him in my arms <3
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